18 March 2015

To end the suffering

I've been feeling a little crappy lately and I don't know if it's the bipolar weather or that I'm feeling low. Whatever it is, I am trying to avoid hitting rock bottom.

During my past vacation, I heard of two suicides and one that hit me like a brick because a teenage girl the same age as my nephew killed herself. She was bullied because of her sexuality and that is one of the hardest thing to ever go thru as a teenager. During my vacation, I took the time to listen to my growing niece and nephew as they deal with things I have already experienced, and it sucks to know that they are starting to hurt the same way I have. Bullying is never okay and I know how strong words and actions can affect a young person. My nephew is dealing with people bullying him because he's trying to do the right thing while my niece is being bullied by her own “friends”. Both are not okay with me as I dealt with both while I was in school.

It hurts to know that I cannot be there to stand as a shield in front of them, but I can talk to them which is something I never had. I had “talks” with my mom, but she didn't understand where I was coming from because she didn't grow up in an era where kids were cruel & self-harming existed.

One thing I wanted my parents to understand when I was going through all the bullshits was that no matter how many biblical quotes they shoved down my throat, I still felt alone. No matter how many hours and days they stayed home with me, I still felt like I was facing the world on my own. The weight of the world was crushing my ribs, my spine, and my will.

Sometimes when I hear news about someone that committed suicide I always think to myself “That could have been me. He/she is no longer suffering.” The feeling of wanting to die is a way for the individual to look at it as an escape to stop feeling pain the next day. They cannot take the heartache or the many sleepless nights. They are emotionally drained and just feel like a bag of bones.

This might sound stupid, but no one thinks about suicide to hurt other people. I admit that there were times when I wanted to make others feel pain as if I will rise from my grave, and watch those who tortured me be grieve stricken or say “sorry.” This is the exact thought I had the very last time I stood in my closet when I was a teenager. I bawled my eyes out sitting on the floor just thinking how much it will hurt my parents, and that they might feel like they failed as parents. I actually had a conversation in my head weighing out all the reasons why I should and shouldn't. If I went through with it and succeeded, it'll mean that I let my tormenters win and I lose (even in death). This is how I dealt with it then and how I deal with it now.

I'm not going to lie and say I haven't relapsed recently, but how I deal with problems that I feel like is out of my control is to always think “Never let them get the best of you. It's okay to cry in frustrations, but never let them break you.”

I know how it feels like when the world feels like it's swallowing you whole and you're losing hope. If you find yourself trying to find ONE reason why you shouldn't end your suffering, think about the people that loves you the most and think how you'll leave them suffering with your absence.

The best response you can give to whatever or whoever is hurting you is your presence. Let them know you are aware of what they are doing to you, but you refuse to let them win. 

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