I've
been feeling a little crappy lately and I don't know if it's the
bipolar weather or that I'm feeling low. Whatever it is, I am trying
to avoid hitting rock bottom.
During
my past vacation, I heard of two suicides and one that hit me like a
brick because a teenage girl the same age as my nephew killed
herself. She was bullied because of her sexuality and that is one of
the hardest thing to ever go thru as a teenager. During my vacation,
I took the time to listen to my growing niece and nephew as they deal
with things I have already experienced, and it sucks to know that
they are starting to hurt the same way I have. Bullying is never okay
and I know how strong words and actions can affect a young person. My
nephew is dealing with people bullying him because he's trying to do
the right thing while my niece is being bullied by her own “friends”.
Both are not okay with me as I dealt with both while I was in school.
It
hurts to know that I cannot be there to stand as a shield in front of
them, but I can talk to them which is something I never had. I had
“talks” with my mom, but she didn't understand where I was coming
from because she didn't grow up in an era where kids were cruel &
self-harming existed.
One
thing I wanted my parents to understand when I was going through all
the bullshits was that no matter how many biblical quotes they shoved
down my throat, I still felt alone. No matter how many hours and days
they stayed home with me, I still felt like I was facing the world on
my own. The weight of the world was crushing my ribs, my spine, and
my will.
Sometimes
when I hear news about someone that committed suicide I always think
to myself “That could have been me. He/she is no longer suffering.”
The feeling of wanting to die is a way for the individual to look at
it as an escape to stop feeling pain the next day. They cannot take
the heartache or the many sleepless nights. They are emotionally
drained and just feel like a bag of bones.
This
might sound stupid, but no one thinks about suicide to hurt other
people. I admit that there were times when I wanted to make others
feel pain as if I will rise from my grave, and watch those who
tortured me be grieve stricken or say “sorry.” This is the exact
thought I had the very last time I stood in my closet when I was a
teenager. I bawled my eyes out sitting on the floor just thinking how
much it will hurt my parents, and that they might feel like they
failed as parents. I actually had a conversation in my head weighing
out all the reasons why I should and shouldn't. If I went through
with it and succeeded, it'll mean that I let my tormenters win and I
lose (even in death). This is how I dealt with it then and how I deal
with it now.
I'm
not going to lie and say I haven't relapsed recently, but how I deal
with problems that I feel like is out of my control is to always
think “Never let them get the best of you. It's okay to cry in
frustrations, but never let them break you.”
I
know how it feels like when the world feels like it's swallowing you
whole and you're losing hope. If you find yourself trying to find ONE
reason why you shouldn't end your suffering, think about the people
that loves you the most and think how you'll leave them suffering
with your absence.
The
best response you can give to whatever or whoever is hurting you is
your presence. Let them know you are aware of what they are doing to
you, but you refuse to let them win.
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